Angst Watch 2024: Week 4
"Some People Are Born Lucky, Dan is Not One of Them."
A few of weeks ago, I wrote Existential Angst Watch 2024, which was a guide to teams likely to cause their fanbases an existential crisis: Colorado, USC, Texas A&M, Teh Ohio State University, and the PAC-2’s Oregon State and Washington State.
This is weekly follow-up on those teams—with the exception of the PAC-2 because I think writing about two teams being sacrificed on the altar of capitalism Aztec-style is neither fun nor funny.
The State of Angst
The Cooler is a movie from 2003 about a man that a mob owned casino employs to walk around the tables and hang out near anybody on a winning streak because he is contagiously unlucky. His mere presence causes gamblers to hit the skids.
I have watched this movie exactly once—probably 15 years ago while eating Oreoes in my father’s living room—but I reference it a hundred times a year because sometimes I think that, if I wanted to make a career change, I could be a cooler.
On Saturday, I sent out a “special report” about the moment California Golden Bears fans were having online as a result of their three game win streak. About 7 hours later, they lost their first game of the year, against this newsletter’s favorite punching bag of late, Florida State.
Clearly, this wasn’t because the Bears did not seem to understand you can score points doing things other than kicking field goals. It was because I was watching.
I turned on the Baylor-Colorado game next. Colorado had the ball, but Baylor was up a touchdown and there was barely any time left on the clock. There was no chance that Colorado was going to tie it up by inexplicably throwing a hail mary, especially not after the announcers reminded us it was nearly thirty years ago to the day that Colorado had inexplicably thrown a hail mary in The Miracle in Michigan.
Well, Colorado managed to tie it up by inexplicably throwing a miracle hail mary, then sealed the deal in overtime.
I know logically that I had nothing to do with the outcome of these games. There isn’t some kind of quantum physics thing happening here where if I don’t observe Schrödinger's cat, all the teams I root for will win and cover the spread and also the cat will live forever and ever.
With that said, if you’re a Cal fan, I just want you to know that I am sorry. This one is on me.
But if you’re a Baylor fan, I want you to know that I am not sorry because I cannot in good conscience root for a university that graduated Jeff Dunham.
Colorado (Still Unranked in AP Poll)
This week’s result: Beat Baylor, 38-31.
Recap of the game: Right. So. Colorado threw a miracle hail mary to tie the game, then easily scored in overtime. Colorado star Travis Hunter forced a Baylor fumble at the goal line that effectively ended the game, but the officiating crew needed to review the play to make sure it was actually a fumble. The Colorado student section stormed the field before the game was actually called, in a moment that had to be precipitated by a fratbro saying, “bro, if we storm the field we can stop the count!” Security removed the Colorado January Sixers from the field until the officials could confirm the ruling at which point the Colorado January Sixers stormed the field again.
Fanbase Angst Level = 3 out of 10 (Baseline 5, -4 for DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!, +3 for knowing deep down that this team is still not very good, -1 for Mike Pence had the courage to do the right thing and stop the review)
This team is as angsty as: The actual January Sixers finding out you can’t conspire to overthrow the government and then get on plane.
Colorado fans can relax about: That Travis Hunter guy being good at football. He’s still good at it. Probably going to be good at it for many, many years.
Colorado fans should angst about: Colorado under Deion Sanders seems to be pathologically incapable of winning a game in anything but dramatic fashion.
Colorado’s next game: Traveling to Orlando to take on the University of Central Florida.
USC (Down to #13 in AP Poll)
This week’s result: Lost to the Michigan Wolverines, 27-24.
Recap of the game: Imagine being Bobby Fischer. Imagine leaving the PAC-12 conference functionally revoking your citizenship to go to the Big Ten Yugoslavia to play a chess match. Now imagine that instead of walking into a room with a chess board, Bobby Fischer walked into a room with a boxing ring.
That is functionally what happened on Saturday. USC showed up with extremely elaborate game plans on offense and defense that Michigan countered by going “DUHHHH, BIG MAN SMASH.” Michigan’s game winning drive featured a player running for 13 yards with a USC safety wrapped around his hips. It was absurd.
Fanbase Angst Level = 10 out of 10 (Baseline 5, +1 for LA real estate prices, +2 for oh no the defense is can’t stop the run, +3 for oh no we joined a conference full of teams that do nothing but run, -1 for the weather in LA is really nice)
This team is as angsty as: Bobby Fischer being detained by the Japanese government for traveling with an expired Passport.
USC fans can relax about: Playing Wisconsin next week. Wisconsin used to be the run-the-ball-down-your-throat-iest team in a conference full of run-the-ball-down-your-throat teams, but the athletic department made the bizarre decision to fire their longtime head coach and replace him with one who runs a pass first offense. The transition is not going well.
USC fans should angst about: The defense is still not capable of stopping the run with consistency, and they will never be able to compete at a high level without rectifying this problem that has plagued their head coach every single year in his career.
USC’s next game: Wisconsin at home.
Texas A&M (Up to #24 in the AP Poll)
This week’s result: Beat Bowling Green, 26-20 at home
Recap of the game: Texas A&M continues to break in a freshman quarterback and a ground and pound identity. Bowling Green made things uncomfortable but couldn’t pull off an upset, as has been their MO for the last two years. A&M moved up in the AP Poll after this performance, though it has less to do with them being good as much as it has to do with the guys ahead of them falling out of the poll.
Fanbase Angst Level = 7 out of 10 (Baseline 5, +5 for years of disappointment, -1 for the new quarterback, -1 for the schedule is actually pretty easy, -1 for oh hey we moved up in the polls just don’t ask how)
This team is as angsty as: A teenager struggling with his math homework despite the help of a tutor. His parents are nervous but it’s probably going to be fine.
Texas A&M fans can relax about: Marcel Reed. He is a star in the making.
Texas A&M fans should angst about: Having enough booster money to pay Marcel Reed not to transfer after having to spend millions of dollars to fire the last coach.
Texas A&M’s next game: Arkansas at AT&T Stadium in a rivalry game that was branded “The Southwest Classic” in 2009, a reference to the Southwestern Conference, which for most of its existence consisted of 8 schools in Texas and then also Arkansas for some reason.
Teh Ohio State University (#3 in AP Poll)
(NOTE: Teh Ohio State University is not a typo. It’s just what I insist on calling them ever since they hired a doofus crypto guy as their commencement speaker.)
This week’s result: Murdered Marshall, 49-14.
Recap of the game: This game might as well have been a bye, but it is incredibly funny to imagine Buckeye seeing Michigan’s rushing attack and having war vet flashbacks to the 2021, 2022, and 2023 iterations of The Game.
Fanbase Angst Level: 11,951 out of 10 (Baseline 5, +1 for living in Ohio, +3 for the Cleveland Browns suck this year, +100 for Michigan running the ball for 290 yards against USC, +10,943 for having lost to Michigan three years in a row)
This team is as angsty as: Forest Gump remembering Vietnam if he was pathologically capable of experiencing PTSD.
Ohio State fans can relax about: OSU’s historically so-so running game under the current coaching regime is now upgraded to “pretty solid.”
Ohio State fans should angst about: The possibility of losing to Michigan in the funniest way imaginable.
Ohio State’s next victim: Michigan State.