The Detroit Pistons & 6,174 Days of Sucking
The Pistons Have Not Won a Playoff Game Since 2008
The Detroit Pistons last won a playoff game on May 26, 2008. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull sat at the top of the box office with $26 million dollars, which is the price of a carton of eggs today.
The Motor City’s NBA club has made the postseason four times since, and they have been swept three times. The fourth appearance is currently ongoing, but it got off to an inauspicious start on Saturday when the Pistons gave up 21 unanswered points in the 4th quarter en route to an embarrassing loss.
This means they have not won a playoff game in 6,174 days. Here is a list, in no particular order, of things that have happened since the last time the Detroit Pistons won a playoff game:
The United States held five presidential elections.
The Dow Jones went from $12,548.35 to $39,142.23.
51 movies crossed the $1 billion mark at the global box office.
81 different rock acts had at least one song top the Billboard Mainstream Rock Chart.
Apple released 45 different models of iPhone.
Nintendo released 102 video games featuring the character Mario.
The Tonight Show changed hosts 3 times.
The Late Show aired around 3,236 episodes, switching from David Letterman as host to Stephen Colbert somewhere around halfway through that.
CBS canceled 3 different shows airing in the 12:30am time slot.
Tom Brady played 15 seasons in the NFL before retiring, trading in his reputation as the best quarterback to ever touch a football for a reputation as the blandest broadcaster to ever speak into a microphone.
Taylor Swift broke up with 16 celebrity boyfriends.
Kanye West experienced his first public meltdown in 2009, stealing the microphone from Taylor Swift at the American Music Video Awards to say, “Imma let you finish but Beyonce had the best music video of all time.” To be fair, he might be right; I’ve never seen either music video.
People collectively went, “Woody Allen is married to WHO?” after he directed four bad movies in a row.
Spotify conquered the music business.
Uber and Lyft conquered the taxi business.
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim realized they had a stupid name so they change it to the Los Angeles Angels but will still forever be the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
The Big Bang Theory aired 11 seasons on CBS and released a spin-off that ran for 7 seasons on CBS which then produced yet another spin-off which will probably produce yet another spin-off and this will continue in perpetuity until the heat death of the universe.
At the end of November 2023, the Pistons were 2-17. They were so, so bad and I desperately wanted them to never win another game the rest of the season. I needed them to go 2-80. The city needed them to go 2-80 so that it could be home to two franchise which hold the dubious distinction of putting forth the worst seasons in their respective sport’s history. The one club that proudly owns that right now is the Detroit Lions, the first team to ever go 0-16.
If the Pistons couldn’t go 2-80, I needed them to go at least 8-74 so they could have the worst record in NBA history, an honor currently held by the 1973 Philadelphia 76ers who stunk up the league to the tune of a 9-73 record.
But the Pistons couldn’t even suck properly. At the end of December, they were 3-29. At the end of January 2024, they were 6-41. They won three more games in February and then on March 7, 2024, they beat the Brooklyn Nets to secure their tenth win and be spared the indignity of being the worst team ever.
Historically, Detroit teams find success playing a very particular brand of their particular sport that prioritizes physicality. The Red Wings dominated the NHL from the late 90s and into the mid-2000s on the backs of the Grind Line, a rotating trio of the most loveably deranged Canadians to ever live. The Detroit Lions haven’t had much success historically, but of late its come with a brand of defense that eschews complicated things like “zone coverage” for a man-on-man approach that’s made them the most penalized defenses in the league.
And this has been true for the Pistons as well. Key to their success in the late 1980s and early 1990s was built around the rebounding skills of Dennis Rodman and Bill Laimbeer, and the physical play of the latter which can only be described as psychological torture the likes of which internet trolls can only ever dream of inflicting. The 2004 championship was built similarly—who can forget The Malice at the Palace and the incredibly whiny documentary Netflix made about it?
I do think that this particular iteration of the Pistons has a chance to break this 6,174 day drought. I don’t say that for basketball reasons, but because earlier this year Pistons players got into a brawl with some Minnesota Timberwolves. Detroit's Isaiah Stewart received a two-game suspension without pay, while four other players were suspended one game each. Now that’s how you win basketball games.