The Bracket Diaries
A Chronicle of My Bracket During NCAA Tournament’s Opening Weekend
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 19 (MARCH MADNESS EVE)
Dear Diary,
I write this in italics because it is the closest I can get to writing in cursive without leaving millenials and zoomers unable to read this post.
The boomers in my readership will think that this is a very funny joke but what they don’t realize is that cursive is the dumbest thing they have ever learned. You learned the print alphabet, and then you learned a whole new alphabet consisting entirely of squiggly bullshit. You learned two alphabets for one language, and you brag about it like it’s an achievement? I never want to hear anyone over the age of 50 talk to me about the virtues of efficiency.
But I digress, Diary. This entry is not about the English language’s mound of bullshit. Nor is it about intergenerational squabbling. It’s about the first weekend of March Madness, the greatest four day stretch in all of sports.
I have completed and submitted my bracket for The Can of Spam Challenge. Rather than playing it safe, I have chosen a variety of upsets on for both basketball-based and vibes-based reasons. I am exciting for the games to begin, and to once again be a Can of Spam co-champion.
THURSDAY, MARCH 20 (DAY 1 OF MARCH MADNESS)
Dear Diary,
I may have been a smidge over confident in these upset picks. It’s not looking too hot for me. I am nearly dead last in The Can of Spam Challenge. I ought to shoot my bracket and put it out of its misery.
Arkansas beat Kansas, contrary to my prediction that John Calipari, Arkansas’s head coach, is a has-been who should retire to Italy. UCLA remembered how to basketball and stuffed Utah State in a locker. Worst of all, though, is that BYU beat Virginia Commonwealth University, which was a devastating blow to Matt Bruenig’s theory that public sector athletics is superior to private sector athletics.
FRIDAY, MARCH 21 (DAY 2 OF MARCH MADNESS)
Dear Diary,
I have never been so back. Nearly everything went according to plan for me today, unlike an Oklahoma fan I met in a bar. I watched with him as his Sooners fell to the UConn Huskies. I asked him what he thought went wrong at and he answered, “I dunno; everything went to fucking shit.”
Then he told me he took Oklahoma at 5.5-points and I realized he was not an Oklahoma fan at all, but a gambler who cared not for the team as people with hopes and dreams, but as a financial instrument with more than he could afford to lose on the line. I felt bad for him. Then he ordered a Bud Light Lime and I didn’t feel that bad for him anymore.
SATURDAY, MARCH 22 (DAY 3 OF MARCH MADNESS)
Dear Diary,
I had St. John’s making the Final Four. But, alas, it was not to be. The satanic powers propelling Rick Pitino’s career could not see St. John’s past Arkansas, a team led in scoring by a man named Boogie. This is a significant blow to my chances to be named a co-champion.
At least my alma mater, Michigan, overcame their greatest obstacle (themselves) and defeated Texas A&M Aggies, a team which led the nation this season in having their shots blocked. The aggies narrowly beat out the Southern University Jaguars for that honor, a team whose most glowing adjective is “extant.”
I threw my bracket in the trash, dumpster diving and fishing it out only after I realized I’d somehow finished the day in 5th place. My only hope for victory is that the Connecticut Huskies pull it together and upset the Florida Gators. I was optimistic they might do this until a friendly man at the neighborhood bar informed me that on the Gators roster is a nearly eight foot tall center. Then I found out that he wasn’t in the rotation and felt better. Then I found out he was from Quebec with the most Quebecois name in history (Olivier Rioux) and felt extremely better. Nothing can stop me now!
SUNDAY, MARCH 23 (DAY 4 OF MARCH MADNESS)
X
The light has gone out of my bracket.1
Florida beat UConn 77-75. The score makes it look closer than the game actually was at the end. Also, this is a Theodore Roosevelt reference.