I do not have the creative interest or energy to write thoughtful, long-form essays using sports to analyze the failures of American culture, but luckily the conventions of sportswriting mean I can write shorter, lazier, and altogether less interesting pieces—like a prediction listicle—and still have the gall to call myself a writer.
This weekend is Week Zero, wherein a handful of not especially great teams play one another to kickoff the college football season. In honor of that, here are a series of semi-serious predictions for what will happen during the upcoming football season:
I will resubscribe to Hulu+Live TV even though Fubo would probably be cheaper and equally inconvenient to get working on my TV. Fubo is not available as an app on the PlayStation 5, which I use as my entertainment center. Hulu is available as an app on the PlayStation 5, but the Live TV streams are more pixelated than Super Mario World 3 and likes to crash like a sixteen year old behind the wheel of dad’s F-150.
There will be a lot of media discourse about “the state of college athletics,” which really means the economics of college athletics. All of this discourse will be unserious and deeply stupid because it will be driven by sports journalists, the third most unserious and deeply stupid brand of journalist (right behind entertainment journalist and whatever it is that Ross Douthat thinks he’s doing). It will be whining and moaning disguised as analysis. If a rookie in the NFL isn’t going to make the roster and wants to come back to college because he didn’t use a year of eligibility, that’s fine. I do not care. Nobody should care. You’re stupid if you care. These are “student” athletes who make millions while taking classes called “Remember the Alamo” where all you have to do is remember there was a thing called the Alamo. All the rules are made up and were never real in the first place and you’re mad about them being violated? Did you know the sun is going to explode one day?
Defending national champion Indiana will be good but will not be the unstoppable juggernaut they were last year. They’re a portal program who snagged all the right pieces in 2025 for a miraculous year, including snagging the top QB in the draft class. They’re not going to be able to repeat that success year over year. “Oh, but, Dan,” says the idiot with snot dripping down his nose, “they were really good in 2024. What are you going to do? Dismiss that because they played a really easy schedule and got curb stomped by the only good teams they played?” The answer to which is yes, yes I am going to dismiss that because they played a really easy schedule and got curb stomped by the only good teams they played.
The final four teams in the playoff will be Texas A&M (their QB is finally going to pop), Oregon (shoe money), Notre Dame (the power of prayer), and one team that annoys me to no end—Texas Tech, Texas, or Miami.
If Michigan will goes better than 8-4 there is a chance I will convert to Mormonism. After the last head coach got fired in December for being a sex pest, all I wanted for Christmas was a head football coach who will not sleep with his secretary. I got my wish when the search committee hired a mormon, Kyle Whittingham, who proceeded to fire everybody and replace them with other mormons who will not sleep with their secretaries. With all this free time on their hands from not sleeping with their secretaries, I expect they’ll spend it coaching and recruiting.
Michigan has to play Ohio State, Oregon, Indiana, Oklahoma, Penn State, and Iowa, respectively ranked #1, #2, #6, #10, #18, and #22 in the pre-season AP Poll. Michigan is ranked #16, presumably on the basis that last year the team went 9-4 with a coach who was sleeping with his secretary. Imagine how much better they will be with a coach who isn’t sleeping with his secretary.
If Michigan goes 10-2, I will visit a mormon church for a Sunday service.