Power Conference College Football Predictions
The Conventions of Sportswriting Compels Me to Write This
The release of this post is timed to coincide with the kickoff of the 2025 college football season. Kansas State and Iowa State are playing in Dublin, Ireland. The only conceivable thematic justification for this is that Iowa and Kansas both have a lot of potatoes. I would love to be a fly on the wall in pubs as heartland Americans discover European drinking culture. “Oh boy, Marge, they sure can know back a few!”
At any rate, the conventions of sportswriting compel me to make predictions about how the season is going to go. This tradition exists so other people can call you stupid when it turns out you don’t know ball and just use it as an excuse to write incredibly niche jokes.
If we take our cues from mainstream sports media, we’d think that the only thing that matters in college football is winning the national championship. The only teams who have a realistic chance to do that are in one of the four so called power conferences, The Big Ten, which has 18 teams because money; The Southeastern Conference, which has 16 teams because money; The Big 12, which has 16 teams because money; and The Atlantic Coast Conference, which has 17 teams, two of whom are on the Pacific because money.
Since the other six conferences do not make as much money as their power conference counterparts, I will not be making predictions about them here. If they wanted to be included in The Book of Jobbed, they would’ve let private equity take them over so they can have their revenues maximized, their assets collateralized, and their souls sent straight to hell.
THE BIG TEN
Predicted Final Rankings:
Oregon
Penn State
Michigan
Ohio State
Nebraska
Indiana
Washington
Illinois
USC
Iowa
Minnesota
Wisconsin
Rutgers
Michigan State
Maryland
UCLA
Northwestern
Purdue
I live and breathe the Big Ten. It is in my DNA. I was born and raised in Big Ten Country, and then it came and found me again when I moved to Los Angeles.
It feels like the conference is Penn State’s to lose, which means they will lose. James Franklin is incapable of winning big games. He will, once again, biff it in a big spot and then show a tremendous lack of leadership by hiding behind some curtains and having to be coaxed back out by an underpaid SID.
On paper, Ohio State should be a force to be reckoned with, but the turnover on the coaching staff is ominous. Last year’s staff was a singularly talented braintrust ostensibly led by Ryan Day. This year’s staff is an ostensibly talented braintrust singularly led by Ryan Day. I am genuinely concerned for his mental well-being if (when) he loses to Michigan again.
Nebraska should take a step forward. Indiana will go 9-3 and officially change its name to Transfer University at Bloomington. Illinois is projected to be very good but all I feel comfortable predicting is that head coach Bret Bielema will yell at a referee.
Lincoln Riley’s USC team will still not know you’re allowed to tackle. I suspect that, in the ultimate LA move, he will keep his job after hiring a donor’s idiot cousin to work in the mailroom.
Kirk Ferentz of Iowa will re-fire at the end of the year (that is, retire after being told he won’t be welcomed back next year). Some UCLA students might remember that there is a football program and make the genuinely arduous journey from Westwood to Pasadena watch them in a half-full stadium at 11 AM Pacific. Washington will be so blandly competent people will forget they’re in the conference. Rutgers is just happy to be here for the TV money. Other teams are also in the conference but there are far too many of them for anyone to reasonably expect anyone to comment on all of them. Mostly because not only are they bad, but they are also boring.
THE SEC
Predicted Final Rankings:
Texas
Georgia
Texas A&M
LSU
South Carolina
Tennessee
Ole Miss
Oklahoma
Alabama
Florida
Vanderbilt
Auburn
Missouri
Arkansas
Kentucky
Mississippi State
(WRITER’S NOTE: You are only allowed to read this if you are listening to this track from the Ken Burns Civil War documentary soundtrack)
Dearest Mother,
The season of gridiron is nearly upon us, and the southeastern confederacy still feels it hath not received the respect it deserves from the fools in The Big Ten. The SEC touts their strength of schedule. The Big Ten touts their book learning. It’s enough to make a man loathe all yankees, though the southerns must feel quite obligated to them in Bristol for their mountain of television greenbacks.
Generals Kirby (Georgia) and Sarkisian (Texas) shall lead the SEC, though I suspect Colonel Elko and his Aggie-Oil Boys (Texas A&M) will make quite the commotion as Sergeant Quarterback Marcel Reed is an under-the-radar talent. Likewise, I anticipate the Gamecocks of South Carolina to shock bystanders with their force of will and athletic prowess.
Tennessee and Louisiana State will demonstrate excellence, respectively, on defense and offense, but I fear their woeful display of so-soness on the other sides of play shall render them a disappointment to their constituents. And I fear for the cardiac health of the man in charge of the Louisiana State Tigers, Mister Brian Kelly. No man should become so red with rage without an attending physician close by.
Of the middle of the pack, I am most concerned about the Crimson Tide of Alabama. I am not sold on Kalen DeBoer being a worthy successor to Field Marshall Saban. His run at Washington relied quite heavily upon divine intervention, and when the eyes of the Lord turn away from Tuscaloosa, who is to say what shall remain of Mister DeBoer?
That is not all. I shall be remiss if I do not mention the Commodores of Vanderbilt. Their quarterback is a certified lunatic. I cannot decide whether I intend this as compliment or disparagement. Anyone who relieves himself upon the emblem of his rival, as he did whilst the quarterback of New Mexico, is a man possessed by a great psychosis even amongst a populace that requires great psychosis as a prerequisite for membership. His tenacity leaves them a wildcard.
THE BIG 12 CONFERENCE
Kansas State
Arizona State
Texas Tech
Baylor
BYU
UCF
Kansas
TCU
Iowa State
Utah
Cincinnati
Colorado
OK State
West Virginia
Houston
Arizona
Predicted Final Rankings:
The most 3rd fiddle conference in history returns this year with every single team projected to finish with somewhere between 5 and 8 wins. Some call this parity. Some call it mediocrity. All I know is Texas Tech is the new Texas A&M, breaking into every gas station in West Texas to shout, “WE GON’ BUY A CHAMPIONSHIP WITH OIL MONEY, YA’LL!” The conference otherwise does not feel especially notable.
THE ACC
Predicted Rankings
Clemson
Miami
Georgia Tech
SMU
Louisville
North Carolina
Duke
Florida State
Virginia Tech
Pitt
Syracuse
Boston College
NC State
Cal
Virginia
Stanford
Wake Forest
Clemson and Miami are very chalky picks. There is very little to pontificate about here. They are both very good football teams right now. I would take Clemson over Miami simply because I trust their quarterback situation more. There are two things working against Miami’s Carson Beck. The first is his history of inconsistent decision-making. The second is that he looks like a Courage: The Cowardly Dog villain.
I’m going out on a limb with Georgia Tech at third, but I think their defense will leave quarterbacks feeling the way I do any time I see a user interface designed by an engineer: deeply confused and despairing for the human race.
The NorCal schools, Cal and Stanford, will forever be as disappointing as what I pay in monthly rent, while I expect SMU to put up as many points as dollars I pay in monthly rent.
When reached for comment on my prediction that his team would finish sixth in the ACC, North Carolina’s Bill Belichek said, “please direct all questions to my girlfriend.”