College Football Angst Watch 2024: Week 7 (Quack, Quack)
Angst Watch is a weekly recap of the existential misery caused by college football. It’s also my ongoing tracking of Colorado, USC, Texas A&M, and Ohio State, four programs I thought were going to cause their fanbases a great deal of misery.
The State of Angst
Ohio State lost to the Oregon Ducks, 32-31, in what was probably the best matchup of the season so far.
But the loss has broken the brains of about as many Ohio State fans as Ohio State players have stickers on their helmet—about 11.8 million. Even worse, it reinforced the narrative that loserdom is the core of Ohio State Head Coach Ryan Day’s essence. It does not help that his record against opponents ranked in the top 5 now stands at 1-7, with the one win coming during the giant asterisk that is the COVID-stricken 2020 season.
On paper, Ohio State is the much better team than literally every other team in the sport. 5-star and 4-star recruits make up a staggering 86% of Ohio State roster when you account for transfers. Alabama has the next highest Blue-Chip ratio, as CBS Sports’ Bud Elliott calls this metric, at 82%. The average for national champions in the last decade is 70%.
Oregon’s over that threshold at 71%, but the real advantage they had in the game was not in the athleticism department. It was in coaching.
With only 10 seconds left on the clock and Ohio State desperately needing a big gain to get into field goal range, Oregon sneakily substituted and, the head coach coyly admitted at his Monday press conference, intentionally sent one too many defensive backs onto the field so they would have a numerical advantage in pass coverage. The way they did it meant it was unlikely Ohio State noticed, and there was a chance the officials wouldn’t realize it either.
On this four second play, the Ducks batted down a pass. The refs threw a flag and announced the five yard penalty. But that’s chump change. It’s far, far less than what the Buckeyes needed and could have gained on the play. What mattered was the time that just burned off of the clock, time that Ohio State desperately needed but would not get back.
That is big brain stuff. Hats off to Oregon for understanding the rules and identifying a poorly designed regulation that was easy to exploit. Things like this happen all the time in football. It’s the sign of a good coaching staff.
For example, the Tennessee Titans of the NFL once utilized a loophole to waste almost two minutes in the fourth quarter of an important game against the New England Patriots, who had used the same loophole in a game against the New York Jets.
“But Dan,” you might be saying, “what about the spirit of the rules?”
Well, I would argue that rules don’t have a spirit. They have letters. And if the letters are jumbled and stupid, you should get together and rearrange them so they are less stupid.
To the credit of the NCAA, they are re-examining this rule. It looks like they will reset the clock in future instances of too many men on the field penalties.
But for Buckeye fans, it’s too little too late. The message boards are already melting down. Some choice quotes: “Day always loses. Always.” “Day just ain’t it. Always loses.” “Day just ain’t it. Can’t finish the big games.” “God dang, Day is a gagger at tend [sic] of games.”
Some message boards censor curse words, so you have to get creative to express your full fury. One user figured out how to use the euro symbol so he—I don’t mean to assume gender or anything but, like, c’mon—could call his favorite team “FU€KING A JOKE.”
As for the too many men on the field penalty, “yes it was ‘within the rules,’” wrote one fan on the aptly named Bucknuts message board, “but what clown thinks of intentionally playing 12 on 11 for a clock advantage?”
The answer, of course, is one who understands what “opportunity cost” means.
Another poster proposed payback. “What would happen if all of us bucknutters shorted Nike to hurt them more so their broke azzes [sic] can’t fund Oregon’s NIL?”
Nike stock opened at $82.15 a share the Monday morning after the game and dropped to $80.88 by 10:00 AM. Was this the work of Buckeyes? I’ll leave that to the Securities and Exchange Commission to investigate.
Colorado (Still Unranked in AP Poll)
This week’s result: Lost to Kansas State, 31-28.
Recap of the game: I did not watch this game, but I did check the box score. Colorado ended the game with -29 rushing yards. That little dash is not a typo. Generally speaking, seeing a team do that would leave any fanbase somewhere between apoplectic and despondent.
On the contrary, I randomly met a Colorado football fan and alum in a bar on Saturday. She was zen about the team, but that was probably because she was somewhere between two and fifty beers deep. She predicted Deion Sanders would leave the school after his sons graduated and the program would then deteriorate from quasi-competitive to barrel without bottom. So, as she put it, everybody should just enjoy the ride.
Fanbase Angst Level = 2 out of 10 (Baseline 5, -3 based solely on the vibes of a drunk woman I talked to in a bar)
This team is as angsty as: The ancient accountants struggling to denote debt because negative numbers hadn’t been invented yet.
Colorado fans can relax about: Heisman contender Travis Hunter left the game at halftime with an injury, but will be available to play during the next game.
Colorado fans should angst about: The bar tab.
Colorado’s next game: Traveling to Occupied Mexico Tucson to take on the Arizona Wildcats.
USC (Not Ranked in the AP Poll)
This week’s result: Lost in overtime to Penn State, 33-30.
Recap of the game: USC went into the locker room at The Coliseum up by a score of 20-6. When they next went back to the locker room, they were carrying a big fat L. How did Penn State pull off such an upset? Did they run the ball with a really big guy? No. They threw the ball to a really big guy, specifically their 6’6’’ and 259-pound tight end Tyler Warren. They didn’t just do this five or six times. They did this 17 times at a clip of 13.2 yards per reception. You can do the math and find the total yardage. Rest assured that it set a record.
Fanbase Angst Level = 10 out of 10 (Baseline 5, +1 for LA real estate prices, +2 for oh no the defense can’t stop big scary men, +3 for oh no we joined a conference full of big scary men, -1 for the weather in LA is really nice)
This team is as angsty as: A skinny child who was stuffed in his locker by a 6’6’’ and 259-pound tight end.
USC fans can relax about: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
USC fans should angst about: Who they’re going to hire after firing the head coach.
USC’s next game: Does anybody know what time it is? Does anybody really care? I can’t imagine why, we’ve all got time enough to cry.
Texas A&M (Up to #14 in the AP Poll)
This week’s result: Bye week.
Recap of the game: I have no idea what you do in College Station, Texas when you’re off. Also, what is up with the Corp of Cadets? They really want you to know it isn’t a fascist institution but it definitely looks like it shops at Pinochet Express. I admire that their highest ranking member is a dog named Reveille the Tenth, but also think it’s really, really weird the Corp decided Reveille had to be a purebred in 1966 after the post had previously been filled by stray mutts. Wait, when did Texas A&M sign its first black player? No reason. Just curious.
Fanbase Angst Level = 3 out of 10 (Baseline 5, +5 for years of disappointment, -1 for bye week, -6 for being relevant again, -1 for that’s a cool dog, +1 for no but really is she racist)
This team is as angsty as: A dog eating a snow cone.
Texas A&M fans can relax about: If Reveille barks in class, that session is cancelled.
Texas A&M fans should angst about: If Reveille decides to sleep on a cadet's bed, that cadet is required to sleep on the floor.
Texas A&M’s next game: Mississippi State, a performance arts project about mediocrity funded by the National Endowment for the Arts.
Teh Ohio State University (Down to #4 in AP Poll)
(NOTE: Teh Ohio State University is not a typo. It’s just what I insist on calling them ever since they hired a crypto grifter as their commencement speaker.)
This week’s result: lol
Recap of the game: I mean, you read The State of Angst.
Fanbase Angst Level: 12,050 out of 10 (Baseline 5, +1 for living in Ohio, +3 for the Cleveland Browns suck this year, +10,943 for having lost to Michigan three years in a row, +100 for so close yet so far, +100 for losing on a technicality, -1 for tanking Nike stock by two dollars for about an hour)
This team is as angsty as: A person who feels like they were the victim of a crime listening to a lawyer explain what “ex post facto” means.
Ohio State fans can relax about: Michigan continues to look very bad so they’ll probably get a rivalry win this year barring the funniest thing ever.
Ohio State fans should angst about: The possibility, however remote, of the funniest thing ever.
Ohio State’s next victim: Nebraska.