College Football Angst Watch 2024: Week 9 (Star Wars & Apathy)
Angst Watch is a weekly recap of the existential misery caused by college football. It’s also my ongoing tracking of Colorado, USC, Texas A&M, and Ohio State, four programs I thought were going to cause their fanbases a great deal of misery.
The State of Angst
Within the multi-decade media ecosystem of the pre-Disney Star Wars franchise, The Knights of the Old Republic 2 stands out by being misotheisistic about the Force and Jedi while still being well written and weirdly, darkly funny.
I am going to tie this to college football. Just let me get there.
During a scene that’s supposed to be the player character experiencing a vision from ~the Force~ but instead feels like an LSD-trip taken by a Vietnam War vet who’s really into foggy dungeons, an evil space witch admonishes the player if they avoid getting involved in a fight.
“Apathy is death,” she says to you. “Worse than death, because at least a rotting corpse feeds the beasts and insects.”
A series of other characters then echo the phrase “apathy is death.”
“Apathy is death,” says a smuggler.
“Apathy is death,” says a space alien.
“Beep boop beep,” says an R2D2-looking robot.
This live version of “Piggy (Nothing Can Stop Me Now),” a Rick Rubin rearrangement/remix of a Nine Inch Nails track, offers a differing philosophy. Specifically in the chorus.
“Nothing can stop me now / because I don’t care anymore,” goes the screamed refrain propelled by frantic drums and distorted power chords that make it a statement of defiance. Having nothing to lose makes him stronger (which is a big improvement over the original version’s incel-adjacent “why-did-my-girlfriend-dump-me” brooding).
This is where I tie my rambling to college football: These two outlooks on apathy reflect how different types of fans feel about their teams during down years. You either reject it and embrace it.
The people who reject are the type of person who watches every single snap of every single loss because not doing so would make them a dirty, very no good, rotten “fair weather fan.” These are the type of people like Robert De Niro’s Philadelphia Eagles obsessive in Silver Linings Playbook or Bill Burr’s New York Jets fan in King of Staten Island, who thinks that something can be done to improve that performance art tribute to futility disguised as a professional football club.
Then you have normal people, reflected in the Nine Inch Nails song, who might watch but not get emotionally invested. They might not even turn on the TV at all and go about doing productive things with their lives like “exercising” instead of watching their team lose in embarrassing fashion. Nothing can stop them now because they don’t care anymore.
It’s no secret that I follow the Michigan Wolverines very closely and their football program has been a poorly managed mess this year. After a rotten showing against Illinois, I decided I was simply not going to watch anymore Michigan football until 2025. Not even the rivalry game against Michigan State, who Michigan running back Mike Hart dubbed “little brother” in 2007. There was simply no joy in it.
The trouble there was I have a little sister who’s a two time graduate of State, and who loves to needle me when they play and by reminding me she is the highest educated member of the immediate family. So of course I watched it.
And imagine my surprise when the Michigan Wolverines braintrust, after finishing the first quarter with a measly one (1) offensive yard, came out with offensive strategy that relied almost entirely on trick plays. What the coaching staff did can be only described as pressing a button labeled “some bullshit” over and over again, and it worked. Who’s the little brother again?
The fact the game was competitive meant that I found myself caring whether or not Michigan won, and then, before I could regain my senses, checking the schedule to make sure I could watch the next game because being a fair weather fan is death, worse than death, because at least a fan who tunes in feeds the beasts and insects TV revenue.
“Being a fair weather fan is death,” says Robert De Niro’s Philadelphia Eagles obsessive in Silver Linings Playbook, who is standing right behind me.
“Being a fair weather fan is death,” says Bill Burr’s New York Jets obsessed character in The King of Staten Island, who is also standing right behind me.
“Beep boop beep,” says an R2D2-looking robot with a Dodgers cap.
Colorado (Still Unranked in AP Poll)
Latest result: Beat Cincinnati, 34-23.
Recap of the game: Colorado continues to be a deeply flawed football team powered by a handful of superstars playing in a league bereft of superstars. They also had a touchdown called back after a wide receiver threw up the peace sign at defenders chasing him as he ran into the endzone. They call this taunting. I’m in agreement with Spencer Hall when he wrote “good teams celebrate, great teams taunt,” so part me thinks this is a silly penalty but the problem is this is not a great team so you’ve just gotta throw the flag every time.
Fanbase Angst Level = 1 out of 10 (Baseline 5, -4 for peace, love, and understanding)
This team is as angsty as: Hippie commune guys who still busk.
Colorado’s next game: Texas Tech on November 9.
USC (Not Ranked in the AP Poll)
Latest result: Beat Rutgers by many points in a half empty stadium.
Recap of the game: USC beat Rutgers. There were a non-zero number of people watching it, but the city of Los Angeles was fixated on the Dodgers and the World Series. USC could have lost this and I don’t know if anyone would have noticed.
Fanbase Angst Level = 0 out of 10 (Baseline 5, -5 for Dodgers in the World Series so no one really cares that much about football)
This team is as angsty as: how about them Dodgers?!
USC’s next game: no, really, how about them Dodgers?!
Texas A&M (Up to #10 in the AP Poll)
Latest result: Beat LSU 38-23.
Recap of the game: Texas A&M won the game by forcing three LSU interceptions. A&M’s starting QB had a horrid 6 completions on 18 attempts but that doesn’t matter when you can running it on the ground for 243 yards. This win puts A&M at the top of their conference for the first time ever, just as absolutely no one expected
Fanbase Angst Level = 2 out of 10 (Baseline 5, +5 for years of disappointment, -9 for top of the conference, +1 for wonky quarterback play)
This team is as angsty as: Ricky Bobby going, “I don’t know what to do with my hands” in Talladega Nights.
Texas A&M’s next game: #8 LSU comes to College Station.
Teh Ohio State University (Still #4 in AP Poll)
(NOTE: Teh Ohio State University is not a typo. It’s just what I insist on calling them ever since they hired a doofus crypto guy as their commencement speaker.)
Latest result: Beat Nebraska, 21-17.
Recap of the game: For a minute it looked like Nebraska was going to win. Their top ten defense prevented an offensive onslaught. The Ohio State message boards and Twittersphere were convinced they were going to lose and shortly thereafter lose to Michigan. Ohio State nabbed a game sealing interception from Nebraska’s weird Patrick Mahomes obsessed freshman QB, but it didn’t make much of a dent in the perception of this Ohio State team as being extremely talented but not extremely motivated. They won the battle but are still losing the vibes war.
Fanbase Angst Level: 12,050 out of 10 (Baseline 5, +1 for living in Ohio, +3 for the Cleveland Browns suck this year, +10,943 for having lost to Michigan three years in a row, +201 for the problem of evil)
Ohio State fans can relax about: Michigan. Michigan is bad. Really bad. I cannot even begin to describe how bad they are. This Michigan team is not beating this Ohio State team.
Ohio State fans should angst about: But wouldn’t it be funny if they did?
Ohio State’s next game: Traveling to Happy Valley to play #3 Penn State.