Why Is This Newsletter Called That?
The title of this newsletter is a play on the Book of Job and something your grandpa shouts after his favorite sportsball team comes out on the wrong end of a judgment call: “we got jobbed!”
To be jobbed is to be cheated or betrayed, either by cosmic coincidence or deliberate conspiracy.
It’s slang of unclear origin. It might derive from “jobber,” which is a wrestling term for “designated loser,” but I always imagined it was a 1950s thing. Something coined by a ludicrously pleasant World War Two vet who killed more men with his bare hands than John Wayne Gacy.
If you’re unfamiliar with the Book of Job, it’s an Old Testament story about gambling.
It goes like this:
In the land of Uz, there is a man named Job, and he is God’s biggest fan. He prays every day. He lives by all the rules God created. He’d put up a poster in his mancave but the God of the Old Testament ain’t too hot on idolatry.
Job runs a farm. He’s a married father of many sons and daughters. Some say the only thing he doesn’t have is a hobby. He disagrees. He already has a hobby: worshiping his lord thy God. Ever heard of Him?
One day, up in heaven, God’s hanging out with Satan (this was presumably before The Fall). When Job starts praying for the fiftieth time that day, God says, “Get a load of this Job guy. He loves the shit out of me.”
Satan shakes his head. “Nah, God. He’s full of it. He only likes you because he believes you’re why he’s happy, that you’re the reason he has everything he has, what with you being all powerful, all seeing, and all loving.”
“I never said I love you, bro.”
“I bet if you took away everything that Job has, he’ll curse you and never pray to your dumbass ever again.”
God thinks about this and says, “okay, you’re on, Satan. It’s a bet. I’m going to take all his stuff, and he’s going to keep on worshiping me. You’ll see.”
It’s not clear in the original Hebrew what the stakes of the bet were or what kind of odds Satan gave God. Probably like a hundred bucks, even money. I could be wrong. I’m not an expert on the Tanakh.
Anyway—the next day, God takes away Job’s stuff. He blows up his farm, wipes away his fortune, kills all his kids by collapsing a whole house on them.
And the first thing Job does after hearing the news is shave his head. The second thing he does is start praying to God. He says, “naked I came from my mother’s womb. Naked shall I return there. The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taketh away.”
God watches this and sends Satan a text message: “told u.”
Satan hates texting. Never understood the appeal. He shows up to God’s house unannounced and says, “I bet if you let me go down there and give Job some boils he’ll never pray to you again.”
God’s intrigued by the idea. “Double or nothing,” he says.
So Satan goes down to Earth and gives Job a bunch of boils on his head and his feet. It’s miserable, but Job stays a big God fan. He prays over and over again.
Job’s wife comes to Job and says, “Job, you’re being ridiculous. God took all our money, blew up our farm, and collapsed a whole house on our kids. I know you’ve been a fan for a long time, but let’s call a spade a spade here, Job. God clearly hates you. It’s time you quit following him and get a hobby.”
Job replies: “Shall we receive good from God and shall we not receive evil?”
His wife says, “What does that even mean?!”
Eventually Job’s friends show up. They see all his misfortune and, like any good group of guys, they start rubbing it in. They say that he must have done something to piss off God. Job’s offended. He lives his life by a strict set of His rules.
He’s not the one who’s done wrong, he realizes. He should be mad at God, not the other way around. So he goes out into the desert and looks to the sky and berates God for all the crimes he allows to go on in the world: the violence, the thievery, the cutting to commercials before and after a kickoff.
God hears this and he is capital-P Pissed. He doesn’t want to lose the bet, so He appears before Job as a huge cyclone (as one does) and monologues about how He’s all powerful while Job’s just a weird little guy. Biblical scholars will tell you its the source of the Navy SEALs copypasta.
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Qaeda and I have over 300 confirmed kills.
– God, Job 38
Job tries to get a word in edgewise but God just keeps on going:
I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words.
– God, Job 38
Job gives up. Repents. He submits to God’s power and concedes his lack of control over “things beyond me which I do not know.”
Job returns to health and wealth. He has more children with Mrs. Job, and this time God does not collapse a whole house on them.
No word on if Satan welches on the bet but it seems in character and I’m pretty sure is a pivotal plot point in John Milton’s Paradise Lost.
I relay this story not just to prove that I read the Bible once, but because it’s an arc fans of bad teams go through.
They’re faithful followers (season ticket holders and DVR recorders), sufferers of catastrophes (missed field goals), and victims of a higher power that cares nothing for them (referees and commissioners). Their loved ones tell them they’re being ridiculous by emotionally investing so heavily in something that they have absolutely no control over. They refuse to listen to reason, and their faith is eventually rewarded with championships and overpriced memorabilia.
God appearing in a cyclone is not a typical sports fan experience, but it may happen to Kansas basketball fans if The Wizard of Oz is any indication.
Over the lifespan of this newsletter, you can expect to read about stories of existential angst and cosmic injustice rivaled only by The Book of Job.
Examples include (in no particular order):
The NFL QB who plays Call of Duty
Hockey Rioters Burn Down Vancouver (Twice)
Infinite Sadness vs. Infinite Radness: Kyle Shanahan and Dan Campbell
The Jobs Program for Michigan Basketball Players (aka The Orlando Magic)
The Financial Crime that was the Arizona Coyotes
Yao Ming’s Adventures in Reforming the Chinese Basketball Association
May a whole house not collapse on you (at least not until you click on the subscribe button).