Book of Jobbed #3: The NFL Draft & the Vibe-O-Spectron 9000
Analyzing the ~vibes~ of the 2024 NFL Draft
I am the proud inventor of a device that quantifies the aura, energy, or vibes of a situation. You can create your own Vibe-O-Spectron 9000 at home by duct taping an energy crystal and a Grateful Dead cassette to a Geiger counter, but I prefer you buy one from me for the low cost of $499.99 (shipping and taxes not included).
I know it works because I applied it to various things that happened in the 2024 NFL draft this weekend and its read on things and my read on things are identical. And we all know that something is only right and good if it reinforces the opinions you already have.
Before reporting here my feelings on the NFL Draft the indisputable, scientific analysis of the 2024 NFL Draft by the Vibe-O-Spectron 9000, I should clarify how it works.
It does not put a number on good vibes or bad vibes. Instead, it rates the situation based on whether it makes an average fan feel like the titular character of The Big Lebowski, the epitome of relaxed hippiedom, or like Walter from The Big Lebowski, the epitome of unhinged anger and indignation. You can see the blank spectrum here:
Vibe-O-Spectron Scan #1: The Traditional Draft Call
The coolest part of the NFL Draft is seeing videos of players getting the traditional phone call from a team’s coach or general manager letting them know the team’s selecting them.
For the players, it’s a culmination of a lifetime of work and the achievement of a lifelong dream. For the GMs and coaches, it’s a moment where they get to deliver good news to a person they like.
It’s hard not to feel good and a little moved for everybody involved, especially when it is a late round pick and the player is beginning to wonder if a team is going to take a chance on them at all.
Examples include this call between the Baltimore Ravens and Devontez Walker in the fourth round; this call between Junior Colson and the Los Angeles Chargers, reuniting Colson with many of the coaches who worked with him in college; and this call the five-foot-five running back Deuce Vaughn got from Dallas Cowboys scout Chris Vaughn (who also just so happened to be Deuce’s Dad).
Here’s where this tradition falls on the Vibe-O-Spectron spectrum:
Of course, the corollary here is video of people not getting drafted, or falling very, very far from where they were projected to get picked.
The best example of this is Chad Kelly, who was a highly touted quarterback prospect out of high school but could never quite put his game together in college, and ended up waiting a very, very long time to get drafted, resulting in this still image being broadcast on ESPN:
Where these types of incidents fall on the Vibe-O-Spectron 9000’s spectrum will vary on a case-by-case basis, and based on whether or not you’ve developed an irrational hatred for a player just because they were on a team you don’t like.
Vibe-O-Spectron Scan #2: J.J. McCarthy to the Vikings
With the tenth overall pick in the 2024 NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings selected Michigan quarterback J.J. McCarthy.
The Minnesota Vikings have never won a Super Bowl, and haven’t had a quarterback who played more than 100 games for them since the 1980s. I’m biased as a Michigan sports fan, but McCarthy’s a unique prospect who is going to break both streaks.
He has the tactical understanding of the sport and all the physical tools teams want in a first round quarterback, but what makes him stand out are his “intangibles,” as the sports world puts it—his leadership qualities and interpersonal style.
The Vikings’ General Manager, Kwesi Adofo-Mensah, says, “his emotional intelligence is a superpower.” He meditates before each game, and can describe in philosophical and scientific detail his reasons for doing so. He once ran for a touchdown and then the TV cameras picked up audio of him joyously thanking his offensive line for their blocks, and he put his money where his mouth is by giving a portion of his NIL earnings to his linemen. His college head coach described his personality and leadership like this in an interview:
“It’s vibrant. It’s infectious; it rubs off on everybody.
“Last summer, we took a team trip around Michigan and we got into this wiffle ball game. My kids were playing — a bunch of nine-year-olds, some of Jack's friends. And you couldn’t tell who the nine-year-olds were and who the 18-year-olds were. He's running, he's diving, he’s sliding. One ball gets hit out into the street and he's running out, doesn't even look. Dove into first base one time and barely missed this tree that was planted and had the bricks around it. He missed it by that much.
“He's got the enthusiasm of a 10-year-old guy. It’s a beautiful thing. It's that vibrant, it's that infectious and it rubs off on the team.”
He is an unlikely mix of jock, monk, and surfer dude. If it does not work out for him as a player—most conceivably only due to injury—he has the makings of a coach and will probably be spearheading an NFL or college team by age 30. By contrast, at age 30 I am writing a sports blog with a readership in the double digits.
Here’s where this draft pick falls on the Vibe-O-Spectron:
Vibe-O-Spectron Scan #3: Big Brained Payton
Before picking McCarthy, the Minnesota Vikings were involved in a trade. Prior to these transactions, this was the draft order, with whether or not the team needed a quarterback in parentheses:
Pick 10: New York Jets (no QB needs)
Pick 11: Minnesota Vikings (needed QB)
Pick 12: Denver Broncos (needed QB)
After the trade, this was the order, along with notes on what was gotten or given up in the transaction:
Pick 10: Minnesota Vikings (gave up a fourth and fifth round pick)
Pick 11: New York Jets (received Minnesota’s fourth and fifth round picks)
Pick 12: Denver Broncos (diddly-squat)
After the draft, Denver Broncos head coach Sean Payton claimed he and the Broncos were involved in a scheme to force the Vikings to make this trade.
“I was actively involved in trying to pretend we were moving forward [in the draft],” he said, smiling and chuckling at the press conference.
It’s not really clear why the Denver Broncos would want or care if Minnesota expended extra resources to move up in the draft. They do not play Minnesota this year, and are unlikely to encounter them in the near future. The Jets, who benefited from this trade at least slightly by gaining extra draft resources, both play the Broncos this year and are likely to encounter them in the near future.
In other words, the scheme to dupe the Vikings (who the Broncos do not play) resulted in benefits going to the New York Jets (who the Broncos do play) while the Broncos gained—hold on let me check my notes here—nothing, ultimately drafting a quarterback who once spiked the ball in the wrong direction.
The only possible motivation Payton has here is that he’s still mad about the time the Minnesota Vikings bounced his previous New Orleans Saints team out of the playoffs in miraculous and hilarious fashion.
But Payton’s no longer coaching the Saints. So who cares? The statement’s bizarre. It’s probably face-saving. The Broncos probably tried to make a trade with the Jets but couldn’t come to a deal, so they’re defaulting to “well, we didn’t really want to make the trade anyway.”
If it isn’t face-saving, it’s the equivalent of telling everybody you’re playing four dimensional chess while sticking a pawn up your nose.
Here’s where this situation falls on the Vibe-O-Spectron:
Vibe-O-Spectron Scan #4: The Falcons Select Michael Penix Jr. #8 Overall
Every draft has moments where a team thinks they’re playing four dimensional chess when they’re really just sticking a piece up their nose. Sean Payton’s shenanigans are getting minimal play in the media because they’re weird but largely inconsequential. Instead, everyone is talking about the Atlanta Falcons, who made a move that sucked all the point-and-laugh energy right out the room.
Michael Penix Jr. is a highly regarded quarterback prospect, and no one is questioning his being a first round talent. What people find strange is that the Atlanta Falcons would pick a quarterback at all.
Why? Because they went out and gave a $100 million guaranteed contract to the thirty-five year old Kirk Cousins, who, per his agent, sounds a little miffed his employer is going around looking for his successor before the ink on the contract even has a chance to dry:
“Yes, it was a big surprise. We had no idea this was coming. The truth is the whole league had no idea this was coming. We got no heads up. Kirk got a call from the Falcons when they were on the clock. That was the first we heard. It never came up in any conversation.”
The stated plan from the Falcons is to have Penix act as Kirk Cousins’ understudy for the next two to three years. But as Mina Kimes put it on an ESPN segment, the team is in win now mode, and the opportunity cost was drafting a player who can make a more immediate impact in other areas, such as in their porous and poorly regarded turnstile/defense.
Instead of doing that, though, they alienated a key person already in the building, put themselves on the defensive with the Atlanta media, and baffled their fanbase. It is the equivalent of the Simpsons scene where Mr. Burns offers a huge sum of money or whatever is inside a mystery box, and the Falcons took the mystery box.
In conclusion, this weekend there were three people who forgot the Atlanta Falcons already spent $100 million on a quarterback: me, my bartender, and the Atlanta Falcons.
Here’s where this situation falls on the Vibe-O-Spectron:
