Book of Jobbed #10: Cricket is a Sport?
Team USA Beat Pakistan in What I’m Told Is a Sport, Not an Insect
Last week Team USA won a very big cricket match against Pakistan’s national team. Pakistan’s national cricket team is, and this is one of the few things I know about the sport, a capital B, Capital D Big Deal.
NPR put the USA-Pakistan game into context for those of us who only know cricket as Baseball But British: “Pakistan losing to the US is like the Boston Red Sox losing to the Durham Bulls.”
I wasn’t sure about this comparison, personally. The Durham Bulls are a triple-A minor league baseball team. The Boston Red Sox are a major league baseball team slash performance art project themed around mediocrity. My understanding was that Pakistan was better than that.
The beat of this newsletter is not just sports, it’s also the existential angst they cause. And Pakistan losing to Team USA has caused a great deal of angst for the Pakistani sports world that The Times of India took an unsurprising amount of glee in reporting:
“The cricketing community in Pakistan was left stunned and in a state of disbelief following the national team’s unexpected loss to the United States, who were making their debut in the T20 World Cup…
“Playing in their maiden World Cup, newcomers USA prevailed in the Super Over to stun former champions Pakistan after both the teams ended at the same score in normal play at Dallas’ Grand Prairie Stadium.”
Parsing this, I understand that Team USA, who’d never gotten into this highly prestigious tournament before, beat Pakistan in cricket’s equivalent of extra innings.
The Pakistan Cricket Board, which organizes the Pakistani team, is miffed, and are considering cutting salaries. An anonymous source described as “reliable” reported to Mint, an Indian daily paper, that:
"There could be a reassessment of the central contracts, and the players could find their salaries and fees being cut if the Chairman decides to react strongly to the team's recent woeful performances… Nothing is final as yet, but yes, this strong measure has been discussed within the board with the Chairman.”
A former Pakistan team captain, Wasim Akram, lambasted the team: “They have been playing cricket for 10 years, and I can’t teach them. Rizwan has no game awareness… There are players who don’t want to talk to each other. This is international cricket, and you play for your country. Make these players sit at home… Enough is enough! Done! Bring in new kids, make a new Pakistan team.”
Another former player, Shoaib Akhtar, had a more level-headed, I’m-not-mad-I’m just disappointed reaction on Twitter.
“A disappointing match for Pakistan. We are not off to a good start… unfortunately Pakistan never deserved to win,” he said before breaking off into cricket analysis in a language other than English that, even if it was in English, I would not have understood because, and there are not enough column inches in the world to emphasize this, I cannot begin to explain how the game works.
Cricket kind of looks like baseball, but I can’t begin to fathom how the scoring system works (it involves fractions). The positions all sound made up: wicket keeper, leg gully, silly mid-off—you cannot possibly be serious about this. This has to be some kind of elaborate prank.
I’m going to rent a copy of the video game Cricket 24 to try and get to the bottom of how this sport works, but am not entirely sure it will get me anywhere.
If it awakens something in me, though, and I suddenly become a cricket aficionado, I’ll need a team to root for. Might as well be Pakistan.
I say that based mostly around these two sentences on the Pakistani national team’s Wikipedia page:
“The team is considered a strong but unpredictable team. Traditionally Pakistani cricket has been composed of talented players but is alleged to display limited discipline on occasion, making their performance inconsistent at times.”
This describes virtually every team in my home state of Michigan, so the experience of following them might be frustrating but at least it’ll be familiar.
Like most Michigan teams, Pakistan consistently comes close and then finds spectacular ways to lose in big spots. But what makes Pakistan an interesting team to follow is that on the “History of the Pakistani cricket team” Wikipedia page there is a subheading that reads “Player disputes and rebellions [emphasis mine].”
These aren’t pay disputes. These are instances of locker room beef. These are events where an entire team gets up and simultaneously says “I hate my boss and I refuse to work for him.” This story is my favorite:
“In 2009, many senior players revolted against captain Younis Khan when the team was playing in the UAE against New Zealand. Press reports say that a group of eight players led by Shoaib Malik went to the house of former captain Inzamam-ul-Haq, where they swore on the Quran to never play under Younis again.”
Another thing fascinating me with the Pakistani team: In 2007, the team’s British-born coach died of a heart attack a day after the team found itself on the wrong end of yet another shocking upset. But the police coroner conducted an autopsy, concluded the coach was strangled to death, and launched a murder investigation.
The police eventually concluded that the coroner botched the autopsy and dropped the investigation, but the coroner insisted he was right. An inquest jury was conveyed. After close to four weeks, they rendered an open verdict, finding insufficient evidence of either a murder or death by natural causes. It seems to be generally agreed upon by the cricket world that he was not murdered.
So, uh, nothing to see here folks. Go team? I guess? (I hope this doesn’t put me on a list of some kind.)