Angst Watch 2024: Week 1
COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS BACK!!! AND SO IS THE MISERY IT CAUSES!!!
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote Existential Angst Watch 2024, which was a guide to teams likely to cause their fanbases an existential crisis: Colorado, USC, Texas A&M, Teh Ohio State University, and the PAC-2 schools Oregon State and Washington State.
This is weekly follow-up on those teams—with the exception of the PAC-2 teams because I think writing about two teams being sacrificed on the altar of hypercapitalism Aztec-style is neither fun nor funny.
In lieu of that, I’m going to tack on a bullet-pointed list of miscellaneous existential misery from around the sport.
The format of these updates is stolen from inspired by the Opponent Watch series that Bryan Mackenzie wrote on MGoBlog until midway through the 2023 season.
The State of Angst
Week One and Week Zero are some of the best experiences in sports. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Everyone is glad to have their teams back. They are all undefeated. The possibilities are endless.
Then the games happen.
Since there is no official pre-season and schools are left to their own devices to schedule three to four games outside of their conference schedule, most of the powerhouses play so-called cupcakes. These are lower level schools who play in tiny stadiums who come to proverbial castles. These games are almost never competitive. Except when they are.
You’d think the almost assured ass kicking would inflict nothing but angst on the little guys, but the powerhouses pay the small schools a nice chunk of change to come to town to get stuffed in a toilet. Alabama paid Western Kentucky $1.9 million to come to Tuscaloosa. Fresno State collected a $1.85 million check from the University of Michigan to come to Ann Arbor. There’s a reason they call them buy games.
The dread comes when a powerhouse wins a buy game but doesn’t look competent while doing it. Panic sets in until fans realize that it’s only the first game of the year and good teams improve as the season goes on (and bad teams stagnate or regress).
As Twitter user and all around football knower “Space Coyote” put it:
The problem with this post, which was definitely meant as a “would everybody calm down for a minute” kind of thing, is that, mathematically, around 90% of teams will be bad. There are 134 teams that compete in Division-IA (well, some of them compete and some of them “compete”). There are 12 playoff spots. That means 92% of teams will not make it to the final bracket.
Well. Perhaps not every team that doesn’t make the playoff won’t be “bad.” But they will be “okay.” And being “okay” at something highly competitive doesn’t feel a whole lot different from being bad. Just ask a screenwriter.
Colorado (Unranked in AP Poll)
This week’s result: Beat North Dakota State at home, 31-26.
Recap of the game: North Dakota State, a team which does not play in Division-IA, is known for recruiting small farm boys and turning them into 300 pound golems who beat the crap out of the opposition using every running play concept ever invented. Teams in Division-IA stopped scheduling them after they beat 6 Division-IA teams in a row between 2010 and 2016.
The Golems-who-beat-the-crap-out-you strategy was the story of the game until Colorado remembered how to do a forward pass, threw for 445 yards, and held North Dakota State to two field goals in the second half. Colorado’s defense held off a last minute comeback attempt by North Dakota State that might have worked if the official operating the clock wasn’t so lax with the stop button.
This team is as angsty as: A weird 5’5” guy who’s dancing in the corner of a dive bar with Linkin Park on the speakers. He did some uppers before coming in here. He’s working some stuff out emotionally—good for him. He might be harmless but he also might have a knife.
Fanbase Angst Level = 8 out of 10 (Baseline 5, +1 for thinking everybody who dislikes Deion Sanders has an agenda and it isn’t just because he’s really annoying sometimes, -1 for winning a close game, +1 for that game shouldn’t have been close, +2 for the uncertainty around meeting sky high expectations)
Colorado fans can relax about: QB Shedeur Sanders and two-way speedster Travis Hunter are the real deal. They’ll go in the top ten of the next NFL draft. Wide receiver Jimmy Horn is also no slacker. He put up nearly 200 yards of offense on seven catches. The defense looks improved. It may or may not be a turnstile, but if it is a turnstile, it is at least a little sticky and there’s a trick to getting it to rotate.
Colorado fans should angst about: The rest of the roster. It remains to be seen if the defensive improvement will translate to better competition, and the offensive line remains an enigma. Sheduer’s mobility can make up for so-so pass blocking, but it looks like they still can’t run block; they averaged a meager 2.5 yards a carry last night.
Colorado’s next game: at Nebraska as a 7 point underdog.
USC (#23)
This week’s result: Beat 13th ranked LSU at a neutral site in Vegas, 27-20.
Recap of the game: A hotly contested, back-and-forth affair that saw two very good quarterbacks intelligently reading coverages. Not sure either made a poor decision all night. USC’s pass coverage was tight, and LSU had to settle for check down after check down. Ultimately, LSU made too many inexplicable penalties and USC was able to pull off more explosive plays when they needed to. The USC defense looks like a completely different unit from last year. The Trojans fight on. They might even be for real.
Fanbase Angst Level = 1 out of 10. (Baseline 5, -6 for winning a big game in dramatic fashion, -2 for replacing a generational talent at QB with someone who is at least very good, -1 for the defense looking improved, +1 for having an easily mocked acronym, +1 for “don’t call us the university of spoiled children,” +1 for LA traffic, +2 for this could all fall apart at any minute)
This team is as angsty as: A kid who just hundo’d a math test after getting nothing but C’s his entire life. God is in his heaven. All is right with the world. Time to play Xbox.
USC fans can relax about: The defense. While last year’s group looked befuddled by tackling and pass coverage as theories, let alone as practices, this year’s defense looks very competent. The new defensive coordinator, D’Anton Lynn, might have turned things around.
USC fans should angst about: Sample size. One game a turnaround does not make, and they still allowed well over 100 yards on the ground.
USC’s next game: at home against Utah State.
Texas A&M (#20)
This week’s result: Lost to the Notre Dame Fighting Irish at home, 23-13.
Recap of the game: After a defensive battle (which is a polite way of saying both offenses had more miscues than The Play That Goes Wrong), Texas A&M took possession of the ball down seven in the waning moments of the fourth quarter. They had enough time on the clock to drive the field and force overtime, but Notre Dame’s hard-nosed defense forced a fourth and short. Rather than run the ball, though, A&M ran a rub route destined for failure. Notre Dame took possession and kicked a field goal to seal the game. Notre Dame fans began chanting “let’s go Irish,” almost assuredly leading a WASP-y A&M booster to start shouting slurs not heard since 1922.
Ted Cruz was at the game to cheer on Texas A&M. As noted by
, Ted Cruz curses every college football team he goes to see in person, so it was effectively over before it started.Fanbase Angst Level = 10 out of 10 (Baseline 5, +2 for losing to papists, +2 for having to be in the vicinity of Ted Cruz, +2 for having to pay a coach not to coach, -1 for having a lot of oil money)
This team is as angsty as: Lewis Charles Levin being told by a time traveler that America will elect not one but two catholics to the presidency.
Texas A&M fans can relax about: Jimbo Fisher is no longer the head coach at Texas A&M.
Texas A&M fans should angst about: They had to pay Jimbo Fisher $77.5 million to fire him.
Texas A&M’s next game: at home against McNeese State.
Teh Ohio State University (#2)
(NOTE: Teh Ohio State University is not a typo. It’s just what I insist on calling them ever since they hired a doofus crypto guy as their commencement speaker.)
This week’s result: Beat the pants off of Akron at home, 52-6.
Recap of the game: The Buckeyes didn’t look in sync and then they did and then there was suddenly a sticky red paste where Akron used to be.
But what’s really important to the Buckeyes is Michigan underperforming this week. The Team Up North has a lights out defense but an inexperience offensive line, a quarterback who at times did not look emotionally prepared to be the starter, and a receiving corps composed of a really tall guy, a really fast small guy, and not much else. Buckeye fans are surely rubbing their hands together and thinking unclean thoughts while imagining Michigan coming to Columbus the Saturday after Thanksgiving.
Fanbase Angst Level: 10,944 out of 10 (Baseline 5, +1 for living in Ohio, -1 for Michigan under performing, +10,943 for having lost to Michigan three years in a row)
This team is as angsty as: That scene in Amadeus where Salieri describes Mozart’s music and asks “why would God chose an obscene child to be his instrument? It was not to be believed. This piece had to be an accident. It had to be. It better be.”
Ohio State fans can relax about: The offense. It’s more diverse than last year, what with having plays on the call sheet other than “throw the ball in the general direction of a future 1st round draft pick.”
Ohio State fans should angst about: The thought of losing to Michigan again.
Ohio State’s next game: at home against Western Michigan University.
More Existential Misery Around College Football:
Minnesota lost at home when they missed a very makable buzzer beater field goal. Stadium personnel set off fireworks as time expired.
Clemson got humiliated by George, 34-3, leading me to refer to Clemson Head Coach Dabo Swinney as “Dabo Loosey” like a 12 year old. Former wide receiver Roddy White noted 10 of Clemson’s 11 offensive players were white.
Oregon, who is expected to compete for a national championship by every human being on the planet and also your cat, got off to a rocky start. Their quarterback completed 41 of his 49 passes, but the team struggled to convert that efficiency into points against the vaunted defense of something called “the University of Idaho.” Oregon pulled away to win by 10 after the game was tied at 14 in the fourth quarter.
When Florida plays a home game, everybody stadium sings Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down” at the beginning of each 4th quarter. They still kept that tradition alive on Saturday even though they were getting schellacked 38-10. The fans were into it. Everybody on the Florida sideline, though, was very clearly thinking to themselves, “you’re really gonna make me listen to Petty right now?”
Ole Miss beat Furman 76-0, surely leading people on both sides of the beatdown to ask themselves what life choices brought them to this moment.
The Penn State-West Virginia game was delayed by 2 hours and 19 minutes due to a lightning storm. There’s not a lot to do in a locker room during a weather delay except eat peanut butter sandwiches and check your phone, only to see tweets like “HEY WHY DO YOU SUCK?!”
LSU’s head coach, the cantankerous and deeply unlikeable Brian Kelly, was so upset with losing another close game, he literally pounded the table during his post-game press conference.
Nick Saban has to host ESPN’s College Gameday with infamous doofus and weirdo Pat McAfee, and he does not seem especially comfortable with it. I think Saban’s going to deck tWe’ve got some guys who played their butts off tonight and we’re sitting here again, sitting here again talking about the same things,” Kelly declared. “About not finishing when you have an opponent in a position to put them away. But what we’re doing on the sideline is feeling like the game’s over. And I’m so angry about it that I ‘ve got to do something about it.he guy by week 7 or 8. I’ll let you guess who has won 7 national championships and who got drunk during a show after taking edibles on a plane.
